byMarion Adamson

First things first, what is the difference between our motivation and our behaviour?

See if this helps:

• Our motivation is that which holds our intention. It is the reason we do what we do, and it is what we are ‘trying’ to do.
• Our behaviour is that which others see us doing.

Sometimes motivation and behaviour speak the same message, and other times not. In these instances where our intended message and our actual demonstrated communication differ, we experience conflict with the other person.

A quick story, with permission, can help illustrate this distinction:

Faced with a crying child at night, motivated by the desire to want to help, I start to ask my husband questions about what it is he has tried e.g. “Have you taken her temperature, have you fetched the medicine, have you offered her water, have you cuddled her?” Yes, you might see where this is going!

My husband, motivated by logic, quick to see the best path and rational leadership, hears his wife questioning his logic and capability. With this, we both enter each of our first stages of conflict.

Without understanding our motivation and conflict sequences, this experience, repeated over time, is likely to lead to more intense conflict. But our knowledge and openness to growing ourselves and our relationship helps us to choose different behaviour to move through the conflict.

Was our growth easy and “soft”? Definitely not! It takes hard work, committment and the ability to eat “humble pie”.

And are the hard work, committment and eating humble pie worth it? Most definitely “Yes”!

In the work context, just a fortnight ago, I observed a manager become aware that, even though he had moved through his conflict sequences and had returned to his position of “life is good”, this was not the same for a colleague, who was still in stage 1 of his own conflict sequence and he remained there for a few days. My client’s insight was a new-found awareness that his behaviour, even if not directed at his colleague, had an impact that left his colleague in a space of feeling “life is not good”.

Conflict does not necessarily mean fire and brimstone, conflict is the experience of departing from a space of “life is going well” to a space of “life is not going well”. Depending on which stage of conflict we are in, the fire and brimstone are sometimes present, though not always.

When we understand what our motivation is – our reason for being and doing – we gain knowledge about ourselves. With this knowledge we gain a level of awareness (which can continue to grow) and it is this awareness that allows us the power of choice.

This wisdom empowers us to make choices about our behaviour. In the language of the Strengths Deployment Inventory (“SDI”), we can “borrow” behaviour without compromising on our motivation and underlying values.

This is all fine and dandy, but so what?  Why might a profit-seeking entrepreneur or results-driven manager care, especially if our own motivation leans toward being task-oriented over being people-focussed?

Easy! As is the general motivation of people who are task-centric, it’s all about the end goal, the sense of achievement. The outcome of being able to choose our motivation and behaviours on a personal level: life is good and we live with a greater sense of motivation to get things done.

And the outcome on an organisational level: team members that relate well with each other and manage their conflict successfully simply enjoy themselves more and are more efficient, productiveand need much less attention than teams who feel “life is not good”.

In the words of Viktor Frankl, author of A Man’s Search for Meaning: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Need to build your team’s morale and performance? Find out how with ProMentor’s workshops and our personal-touch coaching and mentoring for professionals and teams. Get more info at +27 (0)21 683 7575 or This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it .

Marion Adamson is the owner of Growth in Motion and a ProMentor Associate. Contact Marion at This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it or www.positivegrowth.co.za .

You’re welcome to re-publish this article freely provided you publish the full article, unedited and include these last 3 paragraphs.

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